| argh! |
[Mar. 14th, 2009|01:04 am] |
Why does my jaw hurt so much?
Is it from my wisdom teeth? |
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| This month..... my life..... a word about all of my bitterness. |
[Jul. 13th, 2008|11:46 pm] |
Ever since I got that horrific phone call I have been... having the worst time of my life.
Nothing brings me any satisfaction anymore. I have lost all the drive I had gained since just before I started school, and started feeling like my life could actually go somewhere. I feel like punching SOMEBODY in the fucking face just to let out what I feel pent up inside me. I feel like finding out for once what it would feel like to do what I wanted, and not what I thought was right. I feel like robbing a bank, or burning a flag just to rebel.
I was supposed to get all the preparations done before July 11th for my transfer to my next school... JWU, bachelors degree in Network Engineering. The sizable salary, and interesting thought-requiring job to follow seems less appealing ever since the days have begun to feel as though one squishes into another, and no part of my life seems important anymore. Every person in my life seems to turn their back to me right now, as they refuse to attempt to look at what I am still coping with.
On my own. Thats how it's been, huh? That's what its been like these last few years. It hasn't changed. The only people who could help don't care enough to. I begin to wonder if thats what it's always going to be like.. on my own.
I look at my reflection as I walk past the windows outside the store. "Cute" is what the girls tell me. "You're cute." I put my unbeleivably white hat on, shave myself clean, and try to sculpt a body to attract them. I still don't know what I'm doing wrong... a different approach. I attempt approach after approach, and they still are the same... cold, unfeeling, uncaring, lost without me, want nothing to do with me...
On my own. Thats how it's been. That's how its going to be. From then, til now, til the day I die?
What if that day came soon? What then? Would anybody besides my mother care? I can't even bare the thought of what she would feel then. That means I'm normal, right? I care what somebody thinks. Even if it's just my mother? If that makes me normal, then why does it seem like nobody else living cares what anybody else feels at all?
This post is far too emo, and far too personal... but yet, this is the frustration I am feeling right now.
Sex.... I have had sex. I have been as close to someone as you could possibly have ever become. I know people older than me that have not. I used to pity them. I no longer do. I begin to wonder if it's fake. Love... lust... everything that makes life worth living. The things that used to help me fall to sleep at night.... what is the point? I have been in love. yes. I saw the one girl I loved less than six hours ago walking with her boyfriend in Wal-Mart.... who less than a week ago professed to me that she was more or less happy with her life... Is that supposed to make me feel happy for her? I felt nothing. I feel nothing right now.
Depression? Is that what this is?
Love.... It's not that I couldn't feel that way again for someone else. It's more like... nobody seems to be meeting my standards right now. It's not just physical. Its everything.... People suck. Girls are complete bitches. They're selfish, shallow, and vastly uninteresting.
I continue my mantra. 8 hours of working in your local public school system. Making sure the kids are safe, can use their computers to do what they need to get on the web, and listening to everyone bitch about the latest thing we can't do because there isn't enough money. I nod vacantly, and act as though I care... waiting for the day to be over to take a crack at my latest crush...
Why do girls seem to think its abnormal for me to be attracted.. interested in them? It's not "weird" its normal. I'm a fucking guy. a STRAIGHT guy. I like girls.. ok? It shouldn't shock you. I think you're attractive. Yeah we're friends, but I still think you'd be a good lay. GET THE FUCK OVER IT! Jesus CHRIST! It's the motherFUCKING natural order of things. GET USED TO IT. Does that mean I would do ANYTHING like force myself upon you? FUCK NO. Don't get weirded out. It seems EXTREMELY immature for you to go "ewwww, you want to have sex with me? But we're just friends!." Compared to me just being absolutely honest with you. Guess what? All guys want to have sex with you. You have a vagina. Its the curse of the vagina. DEAL. Ok?
God damn. I feel like an old hermit right now thanks to the rest of you. I'm TWENTY-FUCKING-FIVE. At least I have a few friends who can completely relate. The rest of you can go FUCK YOURSELVES.
Like I said.. Bad month. I feel like punching you. Punching you right in the FACE. |
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| Mortality. |
[Jun. 25th, 2008|07:43 pm] |
Here I have been so focused on getting my life to a point where I can officially claim myself a success, I rarely have taken the time to think about those around me who have not.
I haven't thought about my brother much in the last 2 years, other than the occasional "I wonder how he's doing."
He disappeared from this area, and our lives a handful of years ago, after having lived with my mom for a couple years shortly after his parole from prison - he was there for I think 12-14 years between his late teens and early twenties.
He did good for a few years, worked hard to get himself up on his feet and had his own place and lived with his girlfriend. Then he broke up with her and started hanging around his old friends, and got into his old ways.
It wasn't long before he excommunicated himself to the family. (Or vice-versa considering how he did it) by not paying a loan our mother co-signed for him. She found out about it by the loaners putting a lean against her house. Then he promptly vanished from the area. Nobody knew where he went, except for the occasional bills that showed up from emergency rooms. My mother was still bitter over the situation, so she seemed to barely give it a passing thought.
Today I got home from work to see his father called my house phone. I returned the call, and left a voicemail, and shortly after got a call from him.
My brother is dead. He died of a drug overdose in New Orleans on Monday. Funeral services will be this weekend.
Even though you haven't been a huge part of my life, I will remember you. Sledding down the hill behind the firehouse with me and Russ during our childhoods. Cramming into my mom's tiny rented house with the one futon for all three of us to sleep on. I will remember how much you excelled at skateboarding, and always wonder if you would have grown to become an X-Games participant if things were different. If only things were different. I will remember the couple of years after you were paroled. How impressed and proud I was of you to be turning your life around, and how strong and confident you seemed. When we went to lunch at the ice cream & burgers joint when I was housesitting, just to bond.. because we never got the chance to.
I will miss you. If only things could have been different... |
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| Unfortunate stuff. |
[Oct. 21st, 2007|11:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
So, my brother's in the hospital. I drove him to the ER yesterday morning when he was having chest pains.
They think he either had a heart attack, or has a heart condition. The reason? Trace amounts of a particular enzyme that is indicative of heart blockage in his blood. I'm worried.
Plus, he has a kid on the way. |
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| The future of television? |
[Oct. 19th, 2007|11:25 pm] |
I have to say: This is pretty cool.
I missed all the second season so far. So its pretty cool I can watch this legally. TY NBC for finally getting with the program and providing a legal alternative. |
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| Not again. |
[Apr. 16th, 2007|06:24 pm] |
All of my thoughts and well wishes to the students and families of those affected by the trouble at Virginia Tech.
I am without power. A massive hemlock tree fell almost on top of my house, but instead missed and landed directly on the power line that runs between the pole and the house, ripping the wire and conduit making the connections from the house. I will be online sparatically as I go back and forth from school likely for the next few days.
The most annoying part of this (aside from not being able to take a shower without driving to someone else's house in the morning) is the fact that all of my homework (1 massive research paper, and a massive network design project) is sitting on my hard drive at my unpowered house, and not backed up on any device I can access it from. Furthermore, the programs I need to work on the network design project (Visio, and IT Guru) are installed, and only accessible on my computer at home (none of the computers in the school have either program installed, and can't be installed as they don't own a volume license for either)
I may not have power all week, or more. No estimate from the power company yet - they're busy working on the major issues where whole neighborhoods are without power.. ours is likely just our house because of the freak way the tree landed only hitting the line off the pole to our house. Fuck. |
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| This season |
[Nov. 25th, 2006|01:34 am] |
Every time fall comes I find myself struggling with feelings of complete restlessness. I find myself unhappy where I am, where I'm going, and where I want to be. I feel like I could be reaching further, doing more, and be somewhere better.
This season has been the worst, too. I have found myself unhappy again but I have nothing more I can do to make an improvement in my life. The only thing I'm lacking right now is a little female companionship, but it's not like I haven't done worse than I am doing in that department lately.
I have a ginormous english project I have to get done and I keep having trouble starting.. arranging my thoughts is extremely difficult right now. Then I have to get my Network Security class projects wrapped up that I fell behind on. Some homework I need to do for Lan Systems Management..... About a month to get all of this done. siiiiiiigh. |
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| Dreams - The Dream BLog |
[May. 3rd, 2006|05:41 pm] |
I rarely have anything postworthy for this so I think I'll start by logging some of my more interesting dreams starting from the few I've had lately and then to an occurance by occurance basis.
A few weeks ago I had a dream that the world was being overrun by space rats. They fell out of the sky and completely covered everything, devouring all life on the planet as they found it. One vivid part of the dream had me and some of my family hiding in an old basement - the kind where if you looked up you could see shadows through the floor boards. You could see the room above us was crawling with rats.
Earlier this week I had a dream that there was a single piece of chocolate cake with thick chocolate frosting (You know, the kind girls call "better than sex" cake) I dreamed I opened the fridge and just plowed the thing into my mouth like my life depended on it, like some kind of crazed animal. I recently had a couple pieces of this cake so maybe it really was that good.
Earlier I had 2 dreams in which involved 2 very different empires - of which I was some sort of warrior. The first was in space, and seemed like it was some kind of alternate star-trek / star-wars spinoff where the federation was going through a civil war and was turning into a massive empire. One of the imperialists had one of the latest model ships which could travel at some kind of ridiculous beyond-warp speed as well as advanced weapons. I was a crew member and the captain controlled the ship directly with some kind of telepathy where he was encapsulated inside of something.. kind of like one of those borg terminals except it covered his front up except for his face too. I was trying to talk him out of an attack on DS9's defiant, and when we got there the Defiant was kicking our asses because it could fire while cloaked (like that ship in the Star Trek movie) I woke up at some point so I didn't get to see how the rest of this battle turned out but it was a really cool/neat interesting mash of elements of different stories.
The second dream was an empire that more closely resembled ES IV I was a knight of the empire... I can't remember any details so I think this one dream somehow turned into the earlier one. |
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| Semester END |
[Apr. 24th, 2006|11:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | sobersville, USA | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Green day: Wake me up when semester ends | ] |
I don't really have anything to say. I've had a rough couple of weeks and I don't know why. Something has been bothering me, I just don't know what. I wish I were in a better mood lately. I like when I can't stop smiling, and I was like that for a few months and then it just stopped....
I need to find hats to wear. I don't usually wear them because they don't compliment my head very well.
That is all. |
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| Spring sprung but then it bounced away. |
[Apr. 4th, 2006|11:53 pm] |
It got cold again :( It's in the 30's right now... it sucks.
I was in a really good mood for about a week, and then it turned around on me... It always does that, I guess. Not that I'm whining here... actually it got me to open up a little more. I'm not afraid of people anymore, well not as much anyways. I spent the last 7 years basically secluded - didn't see anyone regularly except my immediately family (if anyone didn't know that) So it's taken me a while to become sociable. |
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| YES! |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|11:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  AWESOME | ] |
I'm in an awesome mood. AWESOME. Best spring break EVER. And only one of you knows why! And thats the way it's going to be for awhile! |
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| Who I am. (Introspection warning) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2006|12:18 am] |
Its a simple statement sometimes.. who you are. But I don't think any of us really know who we are in the greatest depth, and those of us trying to figure it out are the ones who are the most uncomfortable with who they are. Not just because we don't like what we see when we look at ourselves, but because we feel the potential just out of grasp to be something better.. constantly.
I change...... I always, always change. People tell me its because I'm growing up. I wonder if I ever will stop. I don't want to - "growing up" is just that: growth, and I don't want to ever feel like my potential for growth is limited. The more I change, the more I find out about who I am, and for the first time in a long time I'm starting to like who I am. Thats changing me too - I'm becoming more confident, more driven, more focused, eventually more successful. I don't see any limitations yet, but I know they're out there.. barriers waiting for me to try to break through.
( Is this going anywhere?? ) |
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| Time for an update!!!!! |
[Feb. 15th, 2006|04:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Star Trek playing in the other room | ] |
I'm back in school, in college classes if anyone didn't know....
And.. wow, this is totally different from how I remember high school...... People seem to generally want to be there, its not a moody atmosphere. People are nice, and personable.... and the classes seem geared to making you think more than memorizing something trivial. VERY different, but also sort of..... FUN.
I'm having a blast, really, so far. I'm only taking 3 classes so I don't have the biggest workload, but I feel like I could manage more without too much difficulty, so next semester I'll do 5.
Lets see, theres other stuff to talk about too... I actually have some people now who I could almost call friends who I see in person, and not just talk to on the internet, outside of my family or their associated friends.
I'm still doing the computer-nerd for hire thing...... and I do still need another job, but in this little town there just isn't much opportunity so I'm really waiting for some place to START hiring so I can get a job.
All else is well, and I'm in a SUPER GOOD MOOD, all things considered. |
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| Sigh....... |
[Jan. 23rd, 2006|11:15 pm] |
I had a long talk with her today... we may be having lunch tomorrow. I hope.
I have a science paper due Friday. I have none of my own ideas of what to write it on, so I'll just use one of the "suggested" ones my instructor gave up on the silly bus.
I have some reading notes wednesday too that I'm less worried about. Oh yeah, I guess I have to read chapters 3&4 in my networking book too... that class was cancelled today cause snow so I missed out.
I kind of sort of don't want to do any of this right now, so I think I'm just going to bed early and do it all tomorrow since I have all day to do nothing.
I'm tired of being unimportant to people - woah, where did that come from? And used by others... like "Oh, I'll give you $20 to fix my computer" THE PRICE IS $35 AN HOUR, NOT $20 FLAT, GET IT RIGHT YOU CHEAP BASTARD - NO I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ON THE PHONE TO SAY BACK TO YOU WHAT YOU'RE READING, DO IT YOURSELF!!! *SEETHING HATE*
I don't know if Maggie is interested in me really at all or not. She talks to me, and she's usually friendly, but she's being obstanant about having much more to do with me, which isn't a good sign.
I could potentially be meeting a lot of girls I'm now going to school with, if I could break myself out of my outer "shy" shell and actually talk to any of them. Theres a red-head in my english class who is apparently a gamer who is really cute. I wish ugly-hick-lady wasn't trying to talk to me when he was taking roll call so I could have gotten her name. - I don't care that brooks & dunn's cd has some malware or something on it, country music is for fucking hicks, and its NOT COOL TO BE A HICK, and it fucking sucks anyways. GOD YOU IMITATION HICKS PISS ME OFF, IF YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH BEING COUNTRY FOLK SO MUCH GO MOVE TO THE GOD DAMNED MIDWEST AND LEAVE US ALONE. Nothing pisses me off more than when I'm sitting in a nice restaraunt trying to enjoy dinner and some god-damned whiney country shit comes blaring out the jukebox in the corner. TAKE YOUR PICKUP TRUCKS AND GET OUT OF MY STATE |
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| Sigh |
[Jan. 12th, 2006|11:03 pm] |
How do you fix whats bothering you when you don't know what it is? What do you do when you feel all stressed out completely out of the blue?
I was feeling good earlier this week, but something during the last 2 days has me really bothered. I want to go running so bad, just to make myself tired, to burn off this anxious energy I have building up inside me.
I need to buy a hoodie, its cold, and find somewhere I can run thats tarred. (I live on a dirt road, and right now, and throughout winter it alternates between being glare ice, or mud). |
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| A dream |
[Jan. 2nd, 2006|12:20 pm] |
I was walking outside my house, just beyond where the well house is, on the edge of the woods when I saw a familiar statue of a traditional serpentine chinese dragon. As I walked by it, it said "David, why have you been ignoring me for so long?" When I was a child (in my dream) I could remember wishing to the statue, and everything I wished for would come true. But when I grew up I forgot about all of that, passing it off as my imagination playing tricks on me as a kid.
Yet here it was, the dragon as I remembered it. Asking me for some attention. So I explained to the dragon all of the problems I was having in my life right now, and it seemed like it wouldn't be any trouble for it to help me with them. Just then the statue started to crack, and out of it flew a much larger emerald green dragon. Its scales shining and glistening in the light of an early summer day. It was a menacing sight, but I was not afraid at all. It explained to me that it had been in that statue for a very long time (thousands of years) and it wanted to see what had changed in the world. It let me climb onto its head, and we flew off into the horizon. Then I woke up.
An emerald serpentine dragon asked me why I was ignoring it. |
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| Is it 2007 yet? |
[Jan. 1st, 2006|12:06 am] |
Its official, 2006 is here. And it sucks allready.
Seriously though, my life will be very different this year... school and all. Hopefully I'll meet some people and have a social life outside of my brother, his friends, or my cousin and his friends. I have a hard time meeting people, or dealing with unfamiliar people. Just social anxiety from spending so much time alone for so long I guess. Hopefully it wears off fast.
I have to renew the registration on my car. Its due in February. But I have to get my car to pass emissions first. Thats gonna be a bitch. This is going to cost me literally hundreds of dollars. There go my plans to go snowboarding next weekend =/. |
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